Our TTC Journey With Unexplained Infertility

A year and a half of waiting for the right time. Another 16 months of actively trying. I never knew it was possible to experience this much heartbreak and survive. We’re part of the 1 in 8 couples who struggle to conceive. Today I’m finally opening up about our TTC journey with unexplained infertility.

I’ve written, deleted, and rewritten this post about a dozen times. It’s so hard to write these words and it’s even harder to post them online where anyone can see the most painful part of you. But I want to share my story if even to make just one other woman out there feel less alone.

I’ve always known I wanted to be a mom. Scott and I even committed to moving closer to my family after we were married. We wanted our children to grow up with all the love and support of our family. For years, I have dreamed of watching my babies grow up alongside all of their cousins, being spoiled by their grandparents, and experiencing the same family traditions that I did as a kid.

But I never could have imagined the way it feels to see that dream remain just out of reach. It’s a heartbreak that I can’t put into words and one that is unimaginable until you’ve felt it yourself.

Waiting, Hoping, Wishing

The first time I told Scott I wanted to start trying, it was the Fall of 2018. We had just celebrated our one-year anniversary and planned to move from Asheville to Raleigh within the year. Because we didn’t have definitive plans for our move (the timeline depended on his job), he wanted to wait.

So, we waited, but it wasn’t easy. Any other woman who has been in the position can tell you when you’re ready to have a baby, you’re ready to start trying as soon as possible. It took another 6 months for our move to be finalized during which time I saw so many women I knew announce their own bundles of joy. It hurt, but I consoled myself that it would be my turn soon.

Things didn’t quite go as I planned though. Shortly after we moved, I broached the topic again. And this time, Scott admitted that he just wasn’t ready yet. To be honest, it completely crushed me and led to a lot of arguments. For months I had looked forward to this move as the light at the end of the tunnel but when the time came, the light disappeared.

The waiting was harder this time. More and more women I knew announced they were expecting and I sat on the sidelines wondering when my turn would come.

And then, in December of 2019, Scott decided he was ready and we started trying. I remember thinking that it would probably be our last Christmas as just the two of us. Surely by Christmas of 2020, we would either have a baby or be expecting.

But 16 months later, it’s still just the two of us.

Still No Answers

At this point, we don’t have an answer as to why this journey has been so difficult for us. A few months ago, I finally turned to a fertility specialist for help. For the most part, all of our tests have come back completely normal. An HSG procedure performed in January did have less-than-optimal results. (An HSG or hysterosalpingogram involves injecting a special dye into the cervix to x-ray the reproductive system.)  It found a complete blockage in one of my fallopian tubes, likely due to a burst appendix when I was a child. However, pregnancy is still completely possible with only one tube as long as no other infertility factors exist.

So, here we are, with no baby, and no answers.

We are discussing and researching the possibility of IVF (in-vitro fertilization) to conceive. But IVF is extremely expensive. A single round can cost upwards of $10,000 and that doesn’t include the required medications. And most health insurance plans don’t help with infertility treatments.

We are also exploring other possible treatment options, like IUI (intrauterine insemination) that are less costly than IVF but have a lower success rate. However, even though one of my tubes appeared to operate normally on the HSG, we’re still concerned about possible damage that wouldn’t show on an x-ray.

So, for now, I don’t know what to do.

And it sucks.

You Are Not Alone

To the millions of other women who are also struggling with infertility, who endure the same crushing disappointment every month, who fall apart every time they see another pregnancy announcement on social media, who fight to hold it together every time someone asks them when they’re going to finally have a baby…

I am so sorry. I know it hurts and I know it’s lonely. And I hope that this TTC journey is over for you soon and you finally get your bundle of joy.