The Part No One Tells You About TTC

If you Google “what to do before getting pregnant”, you’ll see tons of advice articles. They’ll tell you things like start taking a prenatal vitamin, stop smoking/drinking, learn to track your cycle, start saving money, etc. If you ask your doctor they might suggest running a few bloodwork labs to test vitamin and hormone levels that affect pregnancy. Your friends and family members who have had children might tell you about that old wives’ tale or trick that helped them conceive or give you advice on how to be a new parent. But the part no one tells you about TTC…is the part where you don’t. 

For us, the steps towards starting a family included gaining financial stability and settling down closer to family. Once we achieved those, I jumped in feet first. I started tracking my ovulation, taking a prenatal, and trying to maintain a healthy diet. Between hearing about the TTC journeys of friends and researching stories online, I thought I was prepared for it to take a few tries before we were successful. But I could never have prepared for “a few tries” to turn into a few years. 

The truth is, there’s no way to prepare for the emotional, mental, physical, and financial toll trying to conceive can take on you. But here’s what I wish I could have prepared for…

The Part Where There’s No Explanation

I’m not a person who believes that things happen “if they’re meant to be”. I don’t like to sit around and wait for things to happen, I like to make them happen. But it’s hard to make something happen if you can’t figure out the why or the how or the when. No one can prepare you for what it’s like not to have answers.

We did all the blood tests, semen analysis, ultrasounds, and an hysterosalpingography (HSG) test. I even underwent exploratory laparoscopy surgery to rule out endometriosis and remove a blocked tube. At the end of the day, the tests gave us no clear answers as to why we weren’t pregnant yet. At most, my doctor has a theory based on my medical history (burst appendix and emergency surgery when I was a child) but no way of confirming. 

Want to know what it’s like to be diagnosed with unexplained infertility? It’s like being asked to come up with answers to a test when no one will tell you the questions.

The part of TTC that no one tells you is the part where you feel helpless because there’s nothing you can do or nothing you can fix. Just waiting…

The Part Where You Feel Left Behind

It was important to me that we move closer to my family before we started our own family. My family is your typical, big, nosy, southern family. When I was growing up, there were always cousins and aunts and uncles, and grandparents around. And I wanted that for my own kids. 

But no one can prepare you for what it’s like to watch those little cousins you imagined your kid growing up with, grow up without them. 

There’s a special type of jealousy and hurt that comes from watching those around you experience parenthood without you. Like waiting at a bus stop in the cold and one by one, everyone else bus arrives until you’re left all alone, sitting in the cold by yourself. 

The part of TTC no one prepares you for is what it’s like to watch everyone move on with their life while you are stuck, waiting…

The Part Where You Feel Completely Alone

1 in 8 couples struggle to conceive. According to Pew Research, 33% of U.S. adults say they or someone they know has turned to fertility treatments to conceive.

And yet infertility still feels like a taboo subject, something people are ashamed of or feel the need to keep to themselves. For a long time, it was like that for me. I didn’t want to tell anyone that I was failing to do something my body was designed to do. Or about how much it hurt when they asked when I planned to have kids. I didn’t want to tell anyone about the constant cycle of hope and heartbreak I was going through every month. When I finally chose to open up, it was for two reasons. One, to silence the constant questions that felt like a punch to the gut. And two, so that maybe I could help at least one other person feel less alone.

Because the part no one tells you about TTC is the part where no one around you understands what it’s like. You can be surrounded by dozens of people who love you and support you and hope for you…but they can’t relate to what you’re going through. They can’t understand what it’s like to feel both insanely happy and incredibly hurt when someone you know announces they’re expecting. Or how lonely it feels when yet another month ends in disappointment and your partner says, “it’ll happen next month” while you feel like your heart has been ripped out. Or how much empty platitudes like, “it’ll happen when it’s meant to happen” or “just stop trying and relax” make you want to scream. 

They also can’t prepare you for what it feels like that first time someone else looks at you and says, “Yeah, I know that feeling and it sucks and it’s not fair and I’m sorry you’re going through it too”.

The Part Where Relationships Suffer

When you start imagining what it’s like to become a parent, you might start imagining lots of little moments. Like what it’ll be like to tell your partner. Maybe you picture telling your own parents. Or maybe you’ll dream about your baby’s first Christmas or first birthday. Or, if you’re like me, baby’s first trip to Disney. You think about the memories you’ll have and the people you’ll share them with.

What you probably aren’t thinking about is the fractures infertility can cause in your relationships. If I marked on a calendar when my husband and I fights, most of them would happen around the same time of the month. Because emotions are already high. It’s easy to feel resentful and hurt. Because as more and more time goes by, sex feels more like a job that has a schedule and expectations. And you start to wonder if one of you is doing something wrong and whose fault it might be.

And then there’s the stress it puts on your other relationships. Like the friends you start to spend less time around because it hurts to see them preparing for a little bundle of joy. Or the ones you talk to less because you feel like they’re tired of hearing you talk about it.  The family events you dread because you’re just waiting for someone to ask questions. Or the friends and family you silently resent when they make off-hand comments like, “Well, you don’t have kids yet so you don’t understand”. 

The part of TTC that no one prepares you for is the part where “the fun part” becomes the hard part.

The Part Where You Go Into Debt

We all hear about how raising a child can cost an estimated $310, 605 by the time the child is 18. We prepare for that cost and start savings accounts and 401Ks and create budgets. But no one prepares you for the possibility of going into debt for just the chance and being a parent. No one can prepare you for what it’s like to ask yourself if you can afford to spend thousands and thousands of dollars on treatments for just a chance. 

A single IVF (in vitro fertilization) cycle can cost an average of $15,000 here in the U.S. Out of all 50 states, only 17 legally mandate that insurers offer infertility coverage. A bill has been introduced into congress on three separate occasions to federally mandate insurance coverage for infertility. Unfortunately, it has yet to make it to a vote.

For the majority of us, whose only hope of having a baby is IVF, we have a difficult financial hurdle to cross. We may consider trying to apply for the few fertility grants available, waiting while we save, taking on extra jobs or income streams, or taking out loans. And all of these take time; time we may not have on our side.

As I write this, I’m 32. Statistically, according to data from the CDC, I currently have a 47.2% chance of success from IVF. In just under 2.5 years when I turn 35, that chance drops to 34.6%. 

The part about TTC that no one can prepare you for is the part where you have to choose. How much do you really want it and how much you’re willing to spend on a gamble.

The Part Where You Can’t Prepare

Truthfully, no amount of research or self-reflection or time or money will ever prepare you for experiencing infertility. It will exhaust you and break you down and make you question everything. 

But what no one can prepare you for is how many times you’ll pick yourself up off the floor and keep trying with just the hope that one day you’ll know what it’s like to hold your child in your arms.

A word to those on their own IVF journey: I’m so sorry. This isn’t fair. It’s not your fault. And it’s okay to be sad, angry, jealous or hurt, or everything all at once. I have hope for all of us that our chance will finally come.

If you are walking through this journey and looking for resources, check out Resolve for information on infertility care, community support, financial resources, and more.

And a final word as I am still navigating this very expensive journey myself. Any support, whether it’s simply sharing this post or even shopping through the links on my Shop the Blog page, is so very greatly appreciated. I also have an Etsy shop that I set up in order to help relieve some of our financial burdens. Thank you.